An interview with psychotherapist Catherine Coyle.

The Best Kept Secret: We used to talk about the "seven year itch". Is there a period in a marriage that is traditionally fraught with pitfalls?

Catherine Coyle: The 18 to 20 year mark seems to be a rough spot. I think the empty nest, coupled with the transitions that occur during midlife, can be hard on a marriage. It’s a time people do a lot of reassessing and asking “Why”, and “What do I do now?”

TBKS: What are some of the reasons people come to you for help?

CC: There are a few things I see over and over. Most people will say they’re unhappy but when you boil it down, it often comes down to unmet expectations.

Sometimes one partner has grown or changed when the other person hasn’t and suddenly the team isn’t what it always was.

Marriage is also hard work and over time, romance becomes a tiny part of the marriage. Keeping the household going takes up most of a couple’s time. I often hear disagreements about who is doing what around the house. The reason this is a problem is because it translates into feelings of resentment. There’s a fine balance between knowing when not to nit pick and when you need to speak up.

Sometimes people have already stepped out of the relationship in that they may be having an affair or are thinking about it.

And sometimes the relationship isn’t that stable to begin with but there’s an element, like children, that provides the focus. Take that element away – for example, when children grow up and move away - and there’s not enough stability left in the marriage.

TBKS: What can a couple expect when they seek your help? Take us inside a typical session with you.

CC: The first visit is about setting the stage. We discuss confidentiality, attendance, punctuality, note taking, my role as coach and negotiator and the “client”, which is the relationship itself.

Then we discuss what’s going on. I ask each partner to tell me what they’ve identified as the problem, how they are working to fix the problems and what each one is doing to contribute to the problem.

I also try to determine what the couple’s expectations of counselling are.

A lot can be learned by a couple’s body language during a session. I’m always hopeful when they sit facing each other and if they’re respectful of each other during the session. I’m less hopeful if one person comes against their will or one of the partners doesn’t think there’s a problem.

TBKS: And what are some of the problems?

CC: Communication, or lack of it, is number one. Finances and differences of opinion regarding sex follow closely behind.

Values about these things underscore everything. For example, how often does each partner want to have sex, or how clean does someone keep the house, and all the things that get projected into it.

TBKS: What advice would you give to couples so they don't have to come see you in the first place?

CC: To a young couple, I hope they have self-awareness and work on their own blind spots instead of doing finger pointing. Rather than barking out their demands, each partner should learn to state their position in a way so that the other person can hear it.

To a midlife couple, I’d hope they have some forgiveness and acceptance of what’s happening with themselves and the spouse. They each need to be sensitive and they need self-discipline. They need to figure out what they can live with and what they can live without and what’s really important. Overall I’d say to wait and watch before being quick to judge.

And finally, to older couples I would say if your partner cannot meet your emotional needs, consider finding other outlets. Maybe a wife can turn to her girlfriends to share her hobbies and interests. Maybe volunteering will meet either partner’s need for a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Catherine Coyle, MSW RSW is a psychotherapist in Toronto who specializes in relationship issues. She offers individual and couple counselling services in the Leaside and Yorkville areas of the city. To read more about her approach and her practice see www.findasocialworker.ca or call 416 425 9737 or coylec@fastmail.fm.